self

Se riesco ad accettare che il mio mondo interiore può essere estremamente vulnerabile e che forse posso cadere mille volte, in cui mi sembra di essermi dimenticata tutto quello che ho imparato, ma altrettante sono le volte in cui ci provo, allora del fallimento poco importa. È solo una salita, e abbassando le aspettative verso la presunta performance che dovrei avere, posso perdonarmi anche quando proprio non vorrei, anche quando tutto quello che detesto di me viene a galla, anche quando cado troppe volte nelle stesse buche, quando penso troppo e la mente diventa un groviglio confuso dal quale vorrei scappare, quando mi deprimo troppo e respirare sembra insostenibile, quando perdo ogni speranza nella mia capacità di vincere le crisi, quando vorrei piangere, ma mi dimentico come si fa.

Day by day dear Lord, of thee these three things I pray: to see You more clearly, to love You more dearly, to follow You more nearly. Day by day. This is a hymn I hold dear to my heart, and sometimes I find myself unknowly humming to the tune as I go about my day! If you know this hymn, sing it! //There are 6 Sundays leading up to Good Friday. In observation of Lent, I will be posting 6 works inspired by the theme. This is for the 3rd Sunday of Lent.

Suddenly the light goes out and staying in the dark is a test of resistance, but when everything seems lost, it turns on again, so simply: sometimes a single attempt isn't enough, there are many moments to spend without light, but you don't have to be afraid of it, because sooner or later we will succeed in the undertaking and it will make you smile as the thing that seemed so difficult came spontaneously, it was enough not to force the process. I hate the darkness because it shows me a version of myself that I would never want to meet, yet if I accept that the punches of life in some periods are stronger than others, sometimes leaving bruises and burns, but that life itself has granted me caresses like this sweets that I would not have appreciated without going through pain, then everything around me will seem golden. I can only appreciate the hatred and wonder of it. I can feel those caresses, I can savor them with the same intensity with which I feel the pain of the punches, because ultimately they give so much: the strength to take another step, to not give up right now, right now that I am so close to feeling them in my heart those precious caresses.

I would like to not care about the pain, allow it to pass and let it flow without fighting it, which is perhaps the only way to let it go. Then I will understand that if I give myself trust, I will be able to remember and I will feel in my heart how many lights I found every time I felt lost.

Self-portrait - Taste - mixmedia on sketchbook - I would like not to let myself be afflicted by the influences of the past, even when they return forcefully, by the panic they create in me, by the pain that still manages to seduce me in such an attractive way. I would like to fight for myself because every time I have done it I have never regretted it, not even when I failed. But I would also like to give myself the rest to sit back and not have to overdo it: to sit and savor what is there, and also savor nothing if necessary.

Mirror self-portrait a few Minutes after a brutal streetfight... I was bleeding heavily from a skull fracture, broken nose, multiple cuts already... to add Insult to Injury, I was scarred with a "Glasgow-smile" after I got beaten to a pulp... I felt the urge to capture my emotions (and inevitable bodily fluids...) on paper after I carried myself home and looked in the mirror.

Hourly comic day. Every year I swear to myself that I will do the Hourly comic day on February 1. Every year I fail to do it. This year I even added it to my calendar. And still... The hours run away from me and then I think to myself - who wants to know the hours of my day. And I think to myself - nobody. So I don't. Maybe next year.

Luminary Festival - Auren Farkis (Digital Portrait I did as a colour study) Crisp reverberating strings danced through the evening. Notes twisted and echoed up through the emerald, velvet tiers of Ridgedow Gardens. Dusk’s veil had long since darkened to a diamond-encrusted black, and Clarglow was alive with activity. Footpaths were choked with revellers that formed a river of light that coursed and pulsed through the park. Will-o-whisp spots of light also glowed among the neatly trimmed hedgerows and statues. Their magic-addled voices rose up, joining in with the music of the Luminary Festival. A young man, no more than a quarter of a century old, glowed brightest of all. A soft orange radiated from his eyes, and his veins pulsed a brilliant red. He was dripping in gold and gems. Over an outfit that somehow managed to be heavily layered and revealing at the same time, he wore a sheer cape, which was heavily embroidered with blood-red crystals that refracted his own light around him in dazzling, concentrated rays. It was such a dangerous colour of magic, but his expression was soft and dreamy. Excited laughter rose up as a clustered group shot metallic confetti skyward. Gold flake drifted down and settled into his silver hair, cheeks, and shoulders. No doubt he would discover the remnants of this festival in his home weeks from now. He increased his pace, stepping off the cobbled path to overtake the group, when one of their number split from the group. The coils of her dark hair were so saturated with gold that she looked like she belonged on a pedestal next to the other statues. She intercepted him, matching his pace. She snaked a long, slender arm around his waist and pulled him closer. She pressed her lips against his neck, leaving a wake of golden kisses up to his earlobe, where she leaned closer to whisper. — “Aurie, Luv, I know that look. Don’t tell me you’re headed home. The eve has only just begun. “ Her glowing eyes Locked with Auren’s, her grip tightening, slowing the both of them to a stop, causing a temporary blockage in the flow of people. “Overdid myself Mel.. you’ll have to –” –” Come with us to the reflecting pool.” She cooed, meeting his lips in an off-center kiss, smearing his inky wine lipstick. Momentarily, he allowed himself to relax. He considered saying yes. His heart pounding, he dipped his friend backwards gracefully, resenting that he had to leave. An itch in his left arm reminded his fuzzy brain that he was in danger. Gasping softly, he gently lifted Mella upright and spun her out towards her friends, who were growing impatient. He couldn’t make out their faces in the fuzz of the evening. “I can’t, I’m sorry Mel! We’ll talk later.” Before she could protest, he danced, spinning forward in a brilliant display of speed that ended in a stumble as he met a set of steep steps that coiled sharply upwards out of the park and onto the pink brick streets overlooking Ridgedow Gardens. The glazed windows facing the street were empty and blank… their occupants elsewhere, enjoying the festival. The empty buildings were like faces, judging him for his lack of zeal. Auren wound his way through streets and side streets, his pace increasing as he grew more and more alone. Finally, he was climbing a set of steps to his own front door. Smirking at the sight of it he reached down into the front of the bodice that held together the layers of his outfit pulling free a loop of keys that were on a long chain looped around his neck. Aligning it to the keyhole he struggled with the lock, cursing softly under his breath as it initially failed to cooperate with him. In the quiet black of his foyer, he latched the door behind him and stumbled forward, tearing at the ribbon that held the gleaming cape that draped from his bare shoulders. He let it drop on a black lacquered table. He reached up to unclasp an elaborate choker and tore his single, crimson glove down from his elbow. He pressed a gilded fingernail against a band of red ink encroached upon by a spreading corruption. Marginally extending beyond the band were sinews of mismatched muscle and skin; even his hair had begun to glow red. Pulse rising, he wrenched his rings from his fingers, casting them into the ever-darkening room. Precious jewellery piled under him until only the dimmest glow from his own veins remained.. Slumping onto the steps, he tightened his grip on his arm and twisted it ninety degrees. A sharp click of crystal against porcelain met his ears. The room was enveloped in black as his final stone slid away from his arm, rendering the prosthesis inert. He slid to his side, the sounds of the party below overtaken by his own gasping breaths, panic refusing to subside alongside his magic.

“Self destruction is what it takes to make change.”

Title: Heart and Soul Medium: illustration pens on sketch book paper Style: surreal Category: illustration Created: Dec-Jan 2024-2024 Artist: Stephen J. Vattimo Heart and Soul This is preliminary drawing for a painting I am about to begin. The concept for this illustration started as a design for a pumpkin carving contest. I feel the message of the design is so important for people to hear, I decided to make it into a painting. The original design, done in pen and ink. The design only shows the two doors of the entrance to a fortress. It was designed for a live pumpkin carving event in mind. At this type of event, the carver must create their piece of art live on site with spectators watching and asking questions, and there is a time limit. The evolution of the design? I added a wall on each side of the entrance, with matching pillars. Explaining the design of the pillars The triangle top: the triune God. Representing three persons of God: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. The cross shape opening in the pillars: The cross is the only path to God, to have the debt of sin satisfied. To reconcile humankind back to himself. To be released from being a slave to the Devil. To be a new creation empowered by God Spirit. Explaining the design of the entrance way(gate) The top of the entrance is in the shape of a heart, represents the seat of human passion, ambition, and allegiance. The cultic three petal flower is used to represent God in three persons united. The symbol inside the flower: God’s ministry toward humankind. Crown: Highest authority Cross: God’s loving salvation and restoration plan. The dove: Spiritualty made alive, fellowship with God, empowerment to weather the storm of life, and equip for service to God. Change in the design of the door. In the original design, one door had roses carved on it. The pattern took up the whole door. The other door had a grape vine carved on it. The pattern took up the whole door. I modified the emblem on the doors by making them smaller and simplified, so I could place them inside heart shapes, so the new images would more clearly communicate what they are meant to represent. I also added color to the emblems(color pencil) to make them clear of what they are, because of their size and the ink medium ,they were hard to interpret. Understanding the symbol of the two doors. The door with the rose inside the heart emblem represents a heart whose passions, ambitiousness, allegiance are focused on the cares, worries, and abstaining riches of the world. Only giving God lip service. I chose the rose to represent the heart of spiritual allegiance to the world, because roses are pretty, but you can’t eat them to nourish your body. They also have thorns that can cause injury to the body. So, the parallel point is, just as flower fade and turn to dust, so will the person who chases the thing of the world and has no time for God. For life is very short, we know not which will be our last breath on this side of eternity. But if a person leaves this earth without excepting the gift God offered them which is salvation from penalty of sin and given enteral life through the work that was done on the cross by God’s son. Then that soul will appear before Jesus, and just as they did not know him in their life on earth, He will tell them he knows them not. Into the lake of fire, they will spend eternity. The door with the grape vine in the heart emblem represents a heart whose passions, ambitiousness, allegiance are for God. To know Him intimately, to obey His teachings, to serve his will. I chose the grapevine to represent the heart of spiritual allegiance to God, because grapes are nourishing to the body. Jesus also used a grape vine in one of his parables. He paralleled the spiritual relationship he had with his disciples and the grapevine. He told them just as branches of a vine must depend on the base of the vine to live and bare fruit, so they must abide him to have abundant life. Abiding in Christ is not a religious act. It is outside of religion. It is an intimate relationship. Example: you can belong to a fan club of Paul McCartney and know a lot of things you have heard about him, but he doesn’t even know you exist. Where, if Paul is your father, and you have a good parent to child relationship, then you know him intimately. So, abiding in God, we commune with him through read his word and living by its teachings. It is spending time in prayer. Sharing our hearts with God and spending time listing to him. Trusting in him as our provider and giving thanks for his provision. Living our lives, with the purpose of pleasing him with the work of our hand and loving our neighbors in the workplace as well as in the community. Just as a healthy grapevine continues to grow and produce much fruit. Having an imitate relationship with God should be more and more evident in the way we live our lives. So, when the angel of death pays you an unexpected visit, he escorts you to Jesus’s throne, you know for certain he going to welcome you with loving arms and said welcome home my faithful servant. Now to which door I chose for my life? It’s the one that is open. This bible verse one of a couple that inspired me to design this illustration. 1 Corinthians 3:12-13 King James Version 12 Now if any man builds upon this foundation gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, stubble. 13 Every man's work shall be made manifest: for the day shall declare it, because it shall be revealed by fire; and the fire shall try every man's work of what sort it is. This verse is not referring to the rebellious people who have rejected God, this is referring to people who are children of God, who failed to serve God faithful. Written by Stephen J. Vattimo. 3 Jan 2024 .

This super unflattering self portrait comes with a good reason. I bought a magazine about watercolor painting today, thinking looking at beautiful pictures in bed would calm me down before sleep. Didnt happen! An invitation to a spring-themed contest was announced, putting my brain to work in high speed. After 3 hours i gave up sleeping and started some preparation work. Draping my head in a scarf, filming myself in the worst possible angle and making a rough sketch was first step. Hopefully i can get some sleep now.

This study is for an upcoming painting about the life of Christ. The drawing itself took about two weeks’ time of working on it off and on. The research stage took about two months. This study is attempting to capture the spirit of being out on the water, walking with Jesus during a storm on the sea of Galilee. I hope the viewer can feel Peter’s anxiety as he is sinking into the lake as a fierce storm drains Peter’s faith in his ability to walk on water through the ability the Lord gave him. I wanted to show how compassionate Jesus is to quickly crouch down to rescue Peter from drowning and get him back to the safety of the boat with the rest of the disciples, which is outside of the illustration. Some people feel that I should have Jesus’s feet visible above the water so people don’t get the notion that Jesus is sinking in the water too. But if I’d done that, it would have altered what it would really look like in the natural world, because even if Jesus’s feet were on top of the water, this might not be visible to the viewer because the waves in front of Jesus might block the view of his feet. This illustration makes me think about trying to accomplish a task that the Lord has called us to do by depending on our own strength instead of the strength of the Holy Spirit. Then we find ourselves sinking instead of making headway, and we must call on the Lord to rescue us and put us back on the right track. (September 22, 2015

Self promo, Digital

Cauldrene's friend Spooker finds himself in scary trouble.

One of the practice paintings from when I was teaching myself to paint bubbles.

This a good brain drawing exercise and it helped me to practice something different aside from actual objects. I recommend giving Miss Betsi a view on Youtube if you want to learn how to do these designs yourself.

Jean is my clan leader on the dragon petsim Flight Rising, in-game she is a nature elemental female pearlcatcher. Her in-game profile is here https://www1.flightrising.com/dragon/4025429 Lore outline: Originally born in the nature elemental lands she found herself enchanted by the stars above the canopy, and journeyed to the light territories in search of knowledge. But these dragons had little in the way of passion besides snobbery and a burning desire for truth. In her love of the night sky and shunning of the sun she did not fit here, and was bullied for it. One particularly bad episode altered the golden runes that her scales bore, covered her with patches of glowing gold - a permanent mark of the burning sun. But she did not only come to harm in the light flight, for it was here that she came across a clan of misfits just like her, formed by a guardian dragon who wanted to protect all those who were different. And then she, along with the clan, moved to the territory of the arcane flight - the home of curiosity, and those that loved the stars. They have been there ever since. Art method: I started with graphite and ink on white A4 paper, scanned it into the computer and set to multiply then used photoshop to add colour and further shading + a simple gradient for a background on the layers beneath.

While most of my pieces are usually fantasy and manga based, I do try to get outside that box. The same goes for mediums used as well. Here's a bit of still life of a ramen cup because I admit to having a bit of an obsession with ramen. I do like to cook myself but I tend to cut corners somedays as well...

Just a doodle of my OC and myself

Well here we are. At the end of my Mugman Halloween comic. Or is it? MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! But seriously, this is the end of the comic itself.

I take a lot of Genesis as an allegory for birth and maturation, both individually and collectively. The Garden of Eden could easily be interpreted as the womb, and we are all cast out of it at some point. Genesis 2:24 says "This is why a man leaves his father and mother and bonds with his wife, and they become one flesh." Though people use this passage to refer to the tradition of marriage, I think that it speaks to something much, much deeper than that. Literally, when two people copulate, they create a child that is of one flesh. They do not "become one flesh" because they engage in a ritual institution and are now "to be viewed as comprising a single identity," but they literally become one flesh because their genetic compositions are joined into a new being (Mark 10:8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”). That being said, I read somewhere once that babies born in every part of the world make phonetic sounds from pretty much every language in the world. It is only after a period of time that they start to key in on certain sounds that the people around them are making, and it is only after that that children key in enough to start developing more advanced language skills (typically). However, in this original state, there is a freedom. There are no assumptions. There is an innocence in that state. There is a lack of judgement. There comes a point at which babies/young children begin to mimic and to incorporate what they are experiencing from the creatures around them into themselves. To small creatures with an undeveloped sense of self or reality, the caregivers around them may as well be gods, at least from their perspective. They will learn from these gods around them and will begin to embody their cultural beliefs, their language, their idiosyncrasies, and their perceptions, often on a deeply unconscious level. Adults contribute to that quite thoroughly and somewhat consciously. (Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let Us make mankind in Our image, according to Our likeness..") (Genesis 11:7 7 Go to, let us go down, and there confound their language, that they may not understand one another's speech.) In our own way as individuals, we are each a Tower of Babel, and at some point, for each of us, that Tower fell. Barriers to communication of so many kinds were created for and/or by us. Perhaps we still spend time constructing new barriers and thinking up new ways to distance ourselves from the rest of our kind. I chose to use the phrase "materialism" to express how children engender these attributes of caregivers and others alike. However, this can easily be exchanged for a phrase like "socialism," or "corporate capitalism," or nearly any other thing that you can probably think of. Children are like sponges. They soak up even more than we realize. Most widespread religions in the world have some form of renunciation belief or ritual wherein an individual must 'cast off' the old self and put on the new. This is because, regardless of where or when a child is born in the world, the perspectives of the people around them raising them will likely leave much to be desired. It is necessary for beings to continue to learn, and this often entails a serious consideration of what was instilled into them at an earlier time. It is quintessential that we question and evaluate these things since the state of the world will have changed by the time that we reach maturation. The ideas that people gave us may apply to a world that is already different. The story of the Tower of Babel may refer to a state that earlier humans lived in, perhaps on a shared continent, in which the manners in which they communicated were similar. Then, at some point, perhaps these same peoples went off on their travels and developed new languages. In a funny way, we seem to do that as individuals. At some point, we strike out on our own, even if only a little. Though we may differ on surface level behaviors and in the symbols that we use to describe the human experience, human beings are more or less fundamentally the same. We let our differences create so, so, so many barriers between ourselves and other beings. Just think of all of the harm that things like xenophobia, racism, intolerance, and a lack of an ability to communicate verbally with one another have done to our species. Even beyond that, just think of how easily we dismiss the inner lives and inner experiences of creatures different than ourselves simply because they do not communicate verbally with us in our preferred tongue. Research is overwhelmingly in support of other beings communicating with others of their kind, whether we as individuals acknowledge it or not.. Some of us are just really into denial about it. We could achieve remarkably wonderful things, if only we would learn to recognize the similarities of our experiences. (Matthew 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”)

Dare to join this devious dinner? Melvin, Marigold, Morgana and Murial invite you to an evening filled with deathly excitement. Come and splurge on poisoned candied apples (which far outshine the pathetic apples of the evil queen), dragon roasted bone marrow, the most delicious pumpkin pies, chicken feed pot pies (a family recipe from the famous Baba Yaga herself), or a sinful devil's food cake (thank you, Uncle Mephistopheles). Maybe, my dear friend, a glass of wine or a vial of fresh, still warm blood will help to wash away all your doubts if to join or not- because what bad can happen with this splendid array of company nestled between the most beautiful blooming wisterias? Don´t be afraid! They don´t bite - at least not all of them.

An analogue selfie

Self portrait, minus a few accessories….#embracingnightmares

Inktober Day 2(Spiders) Year 2 I like how this one came out but I always tell myself I could do better

something simple

Woopy Wolf, with an attitude and personality like no other toon you’ve ever seen, will keep going at it, all for the sake of self entertainment!

19 AUG 2023

A pencil and watercolour study, inspired by Scott Christian Sava's "60 days of studying the masters" on Youtube. This was intimidating from start to finish, by far the most complex drawing I've ever done! It took me almost a week to get the drawing right, but the painting was done in a day. In between were many days of feeling overwhelmed, lost, and then afraid of messing it up. But I got there in the end and I think I pushed myself to a new skill and confidence level. Good thing too, I've got 58 more studies to do!