Se riesco ad accettare che il mio mondo interiore può essere estremamente vulnerabile e che forse posso cadere mille volte, in cui mi sembra di essermi dimenticata tutto quello che ho imparato, ma altrettante sono le volte in cui ci provo, allora del fallimento poco importa. È solo una salita, e abbassando le aspettative verso la presunta performance che dovrei avere, posso perdonarmi anche quando proprio non vorrei, anche quando tutto quello che detesto di me viene a galla, anche quando cado troppe volte nelle stesse buche, quando penso troppo e la mente diventa un groviglio confuso dal quale vorrei scappare, quando mi deprimo troppo e respirare sembra insostenibile, quando perdo ogni speranza nella mia capacità di vincere le crisi, quando vorrei piangere, ma mi dimentico come si fa.
I’ll be honest, 2024’s not been too bad mostly but the recent crap weather in Scotland has a lot to answer for. Cold and miserable? Sure, but it’s not exactly been winter as we know it. Roll on spring! In lighter news... happy Pokemon day :-D
Suddenly the light goes out and staying in the dark is a test of resistance, but when everything seems lost, it turns on again, so simply: sometimes a single attempt isn't enough, there are many moments to spend without light, but you don't have to be afraid of it, because sooner or later we will succeed in the undertaking and it will make you smile as the thing that seemed so difficult came spontaneously, it was enough not to force the process.
I hate the darkness because it shows me a version of myself that I would never want to meet, yet if I accept that the punches of life in some periods are stronger than others, sometimes leaving bruises and burns, but that life itself has granted me caresses like this sweets that I would not have appreciated without going through pain, then everything around me will seem golden. I can only appreciate the hatred and wonder of it.
I can feel those caresses, I can savor them with the same intensity with which I feel the pain of the punches, because ultimately they give so much: the strength to take another step, to not give up right now, right now that I am so close to feeling them in my heart those precious caresses.
I would like to not care about the pain, allow it to pass and let it flow without fighting it, which is perhaps the only way to let it go. Then I will understand that if I give myself trust, I will be able to remember and I will feel in my heart how many lights I found every time I felt lost.
Self-portrait - Taste - mixmedia on sketchbook - I would like not to let myself be afflicted by the influences of the past, even when they return forcefully, by the panic they create in me, by the pain that still manages to seduce me in such an attractive way.
I would like to fight for myself because every time I have done it I have never regretted it, not even when I failed. But I would also like to give myself the rest to sit back and not have to overdo it: to sit and savor what is there, and also savor nothing if necessary.
2023, Ballpoint pen on 5” x 8” acid free Moleskine sketchbook paper, Adobe Photoshop. First sketchbook drawing of 2024! Based on a photo of a model in a makeup company advert.
