I am composed. I am more than just a label. Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes anxious (well more than just sometimes), sometimes playful, sometimes sad, sometimes brace, sometimes even too brave, sometimes creative, sometimes numb, sometimes... Oh by the way, I got a bipolar II diagnosis, for context. March 2020. Pastel on Canson cotton, honeycomb surface paper (32cmx24cm).
This is a work I made as a reaction to a questionaire about suicide. I got over it, but I have been there, done that. Despair, the feeling of drowning, reaching out but never getting the help you need, deep dark depression, the grey-brown brainfog. Yet: there is some light, there always is, but I'm too scared to look at the light. I didn't varnish this pastel-drawing, just to accentuate the fragility of mental health. What you need to know it that I got out of this and so can you if you are this deep in trouble. I'm doing much better. January 2020, pastel on A3 paper.
In barren wintermonths you may start to wonder if spring will ever come again. Yes it does. Plants already have done their preparations. Life will be on earth till the sun dies down, people might not. Nature has it's ways, but those might not involve humans per se.
Shadows follow but I will move on! I have PTSD, so I am tormented by my past. Anxious for what's behind me. But I won't let that stop me! I may have "Lead in my shoes" (Dutch "Lood in mijn schoenen"), sometimes feel empty while on other times I am red from anger, nothing will stop me moving on. There will be temporary throwbacks, progress is not linear, but I will get there. I won't drown in self-pity this time.
First time oil pastel. Concepts and Hope: as a woman struggling with autism spectrum disorder I grew up not understanding basic concepts in the world around me. Maybe this is universal. I didn't understand why we had to go out to play in school for example, or I didn't understand other people might not be as honest as I always had been. A lot of concepts have a different meaning for someone like me. So here I am naked between the concepts, misunderstood but hopefully looking up. Maybe one day the world will be more like my ideals are, maybe I will create a circle around me of likeminded people, maybe the world will never change enough but I will find peace with myself. One day I will get peace, one way or another. Hope. Oh and yeah, it's a mess with the oil at the bottom. Does anyone have some ideas to improve my technique?
(In)secure
Some days I put on my "business outfit". Just so I look like I got it together and then I will start feeling that way too. That is: until I become a wreck in a business suit.
January 2020. Pastel on A3 paper
